My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
