think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
