You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
