I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
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I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
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You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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