Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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