i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Randomize
