I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I have already put on my inside pants.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
