There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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