One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
