Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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