I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
NoShamevember. You game?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
