Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
