He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
