Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
