You're a womanizer and a bitch.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
