20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
