Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
