My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
