you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
