Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I party with great urgency now.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
