She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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