2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I yelled at your uterus for you.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
