if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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