apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
