i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
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Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
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You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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