I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
