i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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