I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
