im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
