it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
