I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
