That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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