What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
