dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
