why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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