you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
