That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
