Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
