I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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