the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You ate ashes out of my bong
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
