I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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