Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
