Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
