Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
50% drunk capacity currently
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
