I can text with my tongue
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize
