Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
