apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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