Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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