So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
