I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize