So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
