Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
