I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
