just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
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He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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