I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
