Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
