I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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