Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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