She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
