final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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